THE BATTLE OF FORGIVENESS

Lately I have been struggling with forgiveness.  What it means, how to forgive when the hurt and bitterness run deep, how to stand for what is right without repaying hurt for hurt, is it "unchristian" to be angry?  We've all been there, where someone might say something unkind in a moment of anger, don't do what they have said they would, etc. Usually, they will tell you that they are sorry and ask for you to forgive them.  Yes, that is an act of forgiveness but what I'm really talking about is true betrayal, slander, lies upon your person and character, people distancing themselves from you because of the slander and lies, when others intentionally try to ruin your life, livelihood, continually work to take away any peace you may feel and destroy relationships that you have with people you love.  Where it all just adds up and the hurt and pain are so deep that bitterness creeps in and in the most human part of yourself, late in the night, you want to repay.  You want vengeance, you want to obliterate and annihilate those that have wronged you.  I do believe that is a perfectly normal reaction.  If you are a child of God and know that it is not right for you to repay hurt for hurt turmoil comes in.  There is a struggle within your very soul that feels as if it will rip you apart.  You know that you cannot seek revenge, that it isn't right, as a Christian the Bible tells us to forgive not just once, but always.  Matthew 18:21-22 says--Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me?  Seven times?"  "No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!"  Also, Matthew 6:14 says--"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."  I must forgive!  Always!  I need forgiveness from my Father in heaven, I have to have it! Apart from Him, I know who and what I am.  I know the rotten person I am apart from Him and His grace.  I'm not perfect.  I fall every day.  I say things I shouldn't at times, I feel hatred, I want to get down in the mud and brawl and join in the fray and ugliness.  I have fell into that a few times, but I know it just makes things worse.

So do I then fall on my knees and cry out to God to help me?  Sometimes, but a greater part of the time I walk around tied up in knots arguing with God, yelling at times..."Do You see this?  Why should I forgive them?  Why?  They are just going to do it again or worse!   Have You forgotten me?  Am I being punished?  Am I supposed to continually say nothing, just go on and every time I turn around get kicked in the teeth?  Where are You?"  I'm thankful that even when I feel that God is not with me I know the truth, He is.  He doesn't leave me to just wallow in the battle.  He works, and will show me He is there, whether through people I meet, a story I read, a song I hear, His Word.  Eventually I hand it to Him and say, "Lord, I choose to forgive_________."  It's not always an instantaneous release, a lot of times, it is continuous...who am I kidding?  Right now, it is an every day thing, sometimes an every hour thing.  Just because you say you choose to forgive doesn't instantaneously make all the hurt and anger go away.  You don't forget the grievances you have, they will pop up in your mind, so you say it all again.

I wonder how Jesus did it?  I know He couldn't have apart from God.  After being beaten, humiliated and crucified one of the last things Jesus says in Luke 23:34--"Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing."  Stephen was stoned to death in Acts 8:59--As they stoned him, Stephen prayed "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit."  He fell to his knees, shouting, "Lord, don't charge them (forgive them) with this sin!"  And with that, he died.  In Genesis, Joseph's brother's sold him into slavery and told Jacob, Joseph's father, that he had been killed by a wild animal.  Many years later when Joseph was in high prominence in Egypt and a famine was going on his brothers came to Egypt in order to buy food.  I'm sure it ran across Joseph's mind, "really?  you sold me,  you hated me so intensely that you got rid of me."  Instead, he forgave them, gave them food, supplies, and new clothes for them to return to their home and then return to Egypt with Jacob.

In all three of these instances no vengeance was taken upon the ones who did the wrong.  That is the beauty of the accounts.  Their trust and love in God was total.  Romans 12: 17-21 says--"Never pay back evil with more evil.  Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.  Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.  Dear friends, never take revenge.  Leave that to the righteous anger of God.  For the Scriptures say, "I will take revenge; I will pay them back," says the LORD.  Instead, if your enemies are hungry, feed them.  If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning colas of shame on their heads.  Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good."

Forgiving is letting go of a "debt" that you believe someone owes you, letting go of what they will never be able to repay.  Jesus and Stephen both lost their lives and Joseph lost years with the father who treasured him.  Jesus, being the Son of God, rose from the dead and lives, but not because of anything the ones who killed Him did.  They couldn't give Him back his life, neither could the people who stoned Stephen to death.  Joseph's brothers could not take back what they had done so that Joseph might regain the years he lost with his father.  Jesus could have just "spoken" one word and everyone who had tormented him would have died, Stephen could have ran, or fought back, Joseph could have had all of his brothers killed or refused to give them the food they so desperately  needed.  Instead, Jesus gave up His life and therefore we are all forgiven if we believe in Him.  Stephen died, and Saul (later Paul) experienced a conversion on the Damascus Road and instead of continuing his persecution of Christians became one of Christianity's greatest leaders.  Joseph provided for his brothers and experienced a wonderful family reunion.

Forgiving people who have wronged you does not mean that they will stop what they are doing, they more than likely will continue to persecute you or they may not even realize that they have done wrong to you.  Forgiveness is for you.  It is seeking to release the anger, the twisting up of yourself.  It isn't easy, and there is a lot of not getting it right and making mistakes.  But even in the struggle there is freedom because we know that we can't do it on our own and that we have to go to the One who forgives us, He see our hearts, our desire to forgive, and begins to work and unravel the tangle of emotions.  I need that.  I don't want to live angry, seeking to destroy others.  What does it profit me?  Nothing.  Anger breeds more anger.  It's a vicious cycle, one that leads to a life of misery.  I choose the battle.  In this life I will never get it completely right, and I will fall down and have to get up, dust myself off and keep moving forward, but one day all of this struggle will be over and I will be able to look back and see the beauty that came from choosing to forgive.

Lessons from Jonah

For those who don't know, I've been teaching Sunday School since Fall. This quarter our lessons are on the prophets. Last Sunday, Michelle Alexander taught the lesson on Daniel. I looove the book of Daniel. Tomorrow is my Sunday to teach and the lesson is on Jonah. Now I love the book of Jonah too, every page of the book of Jonah in my Bible is covered with notes from Pastor Neil's sermons and some of my own insights, and I am excited to be bringing this lesson but I don't want to be a Jonah. I would much rather be a Daniel, steadfast, strong in my desire to be obedient to the Lord, and never seeming to falter or waiver, but sadly I find that I am a lot like Jonah. When the situation gets tough, unless its something that I want to do, or something that the Lord has already refined me in, I start looking for a way out, somewhere to hide. Like Jonah, I run away!

I know all to well, the war that wages inside when God asks me to do something that I don't want to do, that I think is too big, too hard. I know the pain that running causes, there is no rest, there is no peace. I've been through it enough times to know that until I stop and turn around and obey, the turmoil within will not cease. Disobedience brings chastisement, just like we are with our children, so is God with us, His children. Some of my notes from Pastor Neil's sermons are:

1. God's discipline is thorough (God loves us enough to scar us)--Just like with physical scars, the scars I have from the times I ran from God remind me of lessons that I have learned. They remind me of how I got that scar, and that it is something that shouldn't be repeated.

2. You need to closely associate rebellion with pain for rebellion always brings pain.--I know this well. As a teenager I rebelled against everything. I rebelled against what I was brought up to believe in church, against what my parents thought was best for me, always having to go against what anyone said even though I knew they were right. Teenage years are hard and painful anyway, but I heaped more pain upon myself because I was also bringing pain to others. My selfishness hurt many, but I found myself trapped in the vicious circle that comes with the territory. I would hate to see the pain that I caused to those I loved, but I couldn't admit that I was wrong and ask for their forgiveness, the cost would have been too high a price, so I thought.

3. I can't drift or run outside of the boundaries of God's grace and mercy--Thank you Jesus! Like Jonah, after my rebellion and when I decide to finally stop running, I find that God is still there, waiting for me, ready to forgive me and give me another chance to be obedient. It still amazes me, that He is willing to do this, that He will put up with me.

4. The tragedy of the runner is wasted time--God can't give us back our time.--This is the greatest tragedy and at times I have found myself in the "mullygrubs" mad at myself and regretting the time that I wasted. I've learned though to give myself a "good talking to", to pray and ask that God enable and equip me to move forward, because I will never get that "time wasted" back, but as long as the breath of life is still in my body, I have this time to do what God has asked.

Teaching Sunday School is one instance of my obedience. My class is the 3rd and 4th grade and I truly enjoy it. I never thought I would be a Sunday School teacher. It seemed so intimidating to me. I know it's odd, but children that are not my own intimidate me. When I was asked if I would teach Sunday School, my whole mind and body was screaming NO!!!!!! I heard that small voice whisper "Yes" and that is what I said. I was told that I didn't have to say "yes" right away, that I could think and pray on it, but I knew.

I am not the best teacher, and I am not as organized or as much of a planner as I would like to be, (though I am getting better) but I love the children that are in my class, their enthusiasm, the insight that they bring and how they can open my eyes to see anew the Truth that is in God's Word. I have been infinitely blessed in this work and I will continue until I am called to a new work. When I look back on my life and I see the trials, the pain, the blessings, the grace and the mercy, I realize that all things, even my running, was equipping me for this time in God's purpose for my life.

A New Song

Psalm 40:3
He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD.

She trembles,
The enemy's voice whispers,
He's not here, He won't come,
You're alone

You have no friends,
No one truly cares
He doesn't care
Where is He?

She's weary,
Tired of fighting.
Tired of the cold,
It settles in her stomach,
Freezing her

Mind racing,
Voices yelling!
Struggling,
She cries out!
His voice,
Still yet firm!

Believe, trust!
Stand, truth!
Easier, with those of like mind!
His voice says
Your time!
Will you believe?
Will you trust?
Will you know truth?

Now is the time,
Time to put her weight on His Word
New strength, resolve
Armor, shield, sword
She steps out

She trembles
Yet she stands
Time to trust
His voice
Speaking through her
Gaining strength

Enemy's voice speaks
Same lies
Same deceit
His Word
Ringing out
Truth pouring light
Enemy's voice trembles
It's his time to flee

New weight
Glory
New song
Pouring forth
Her song
Spirit singing praise
Victory
Joy unspeakable

To God be the glory!

I had a wonderful weekend last weekend, and I can't believe that already, it was a week ago today when it started. It almost seems like a dream, but I know it was real. God is so amazing! That doesn't even begin to describe or convey my time with Him last weekend, but then no words could ever describe. The more I get to know Him the deeper I want to go...I want me to disappear. In all honesty, it can be overwhelming and sometimes frightening, to humble yourself, trust Him completely, and say, "Here I am God use me!", but what you gain far surpasses what you give up. I don't even know what I'm trying to say...I'm bumbling and disjointed...

Listened to Chris Tomlin's "Our God" today and the words he sings...And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us then what could stand against?...they have a whole new meaning for me now! I know without a single doubt, not a flicker, that my God is greater, stronger, bigger than ANYTHING!!!! NOTHING can come against Him and win!

To serve as I did last weekend, what a blessing! I saw God transform lives! I saw healing...physical and spiritual! Restoration and refreshing, women from all walks, awakening to the value they have in Christ. Serving was better than when I went through it, even my time in the kitchen was a blast!

I love my family, my husband and my boys, and was happy to return home to them, but my heart yearns to be with the sisters that I found last weekend! To worship with them, to be side-by-side in the chapel with them, laughing, praying, dancing! I agree with what Christina said... ONE UNIT, united and functioning for His purpose and glory! God's "dream team", worshiping warriors! I can't wait for heaven, when we will all be together before Him!

I still can't get my thoughts to flow and to say all that I would like...so I guess I'll sign off for now! I'll close with the verses from Psalm 21:8-13 that Terri texted me the other day, my Bible says that the theme is..Praising God after victory in battle...Amen!

You will capture all your enemies. Your strong right hand will seize all who hate you. You will throw them in a flaming furnace when you appear. The LORD will consume them in his anger; fire will devour them. You will wipe their children from the face of the earth; they will never have descendants. Although they plot against you, their evil scheme will never succeed. For they will turn and run when they see your arrows aimed at them. Rise up, O LORD, in all your power. With music and singing we celebrate your mighty acts.

II Corinthians 12:9....My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is perfected in weakness....

For Such a Time as This

Well, if the almost two years that I have been at my job was all about this day, then it is enough. Working in a lawyer's office is not the epitome of fun for me, it is very stressful and more than once I have asked God, "Why, why here of all places?". I am here because I know this is where God has placed me and that He is growing me for his purpose. Today we had a client and her soon to be ex-husband and his lawyer coming into our office for an informal mediation. There have been some trying times with this client, but I just try to put myself in their shoes and understand the pain and frustration they are dealing with. Anyway, right before the mediation started, the attorney I work for went upstairs to get something and asked me to take some water to our client. As I came down the stairs, I heard "Pray for her", when I got in the office, I could tell she was about to fall apart. I kept getting that nudge a little harder each time of "Pray for her!", I know she is a believer, and I will admit I was thinking what if they see or hear me, but I set her water down, looked at her and said "would you like me to pray with you" and such a look of relief came over her face and she said "yes, please", so I took hold of her hand and knelt down right there beside her chair and I didn't pray in a whisper either. I don't know if anyone saw and I don't care if they did, I feel such joy and peace in my soul right now. I am so thankful that I was obedient and listened to Him! Nothing matters but what we do for Him and His glory!!!

Thoughts

A week or so ago I received a note from a very dear friend of mine who just happened to move to San Francisco. In her note she gave me a passage of scripture that the Lord had laid on her heart concerning me--

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Today, I woke up and was just a mess from the start, tearing up at the slightest word or question. Hating my job, the weather, in general throwing myself a pity party. On up in the morning I had to call a client of mine, whom I love, and let her know that something she had been waiting for had been signed. When I gave her the news, she was praising the Lord and saying how much he had just blessed her again, then we made some small talk. In the midst of our conversation, she said "Kristina, you know a flower can't bloom unless that seed dies and is buried, and it's the same for you, you have to die to self." I cried again, but good tears this time. Then we were both praising the Lord, I know my co-workers think I'm batty sometimes, but that's quite alright.

The verse Jessica gave me is just what I needed, Satan, "the thief", wants to destroy and discredit everything that God has for me. He whispers to me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, talented enough. He knows that I am susceptible to worry, anxiousness, and fear, and that at times, I have allowed it to paralyze me, thereby not fulfilling some purpose God may have had for me. I praise God that I am moving forward. Playing the piano and singing last Sunday was a big step, but it finally got through my stubborness and pride, that it doesn't matter that I am not a wonderful pianist, it just matters that I am glorifying my Father. That is all I want to do in my life, and with my life is give Him glory. In so doing I will have a FULL life for that is what I was made to do praise and glorify my Lord.

My prayer is that all of us each day will wake up and be committed to "die to self" so that we may bloom into what God meant for us to be in Him!

Why the nickname Monkey?

My oldest son Wyatt gave me the nickname Monkey. When he was first learning to talk he would call me Mama but one day for some reason known only in his little mind he started calling me Monkey. I hated it, and would tell him, "No, I'm not Monkey, I'm Mama." He would smile and continue to call me Monkey. I thought it was embarrassing when he would call me "Monkey" in public and everyone would look at me, but over time I grew to like it as it was his special name for me. About a year after he started calling me Monkey, he just stopped and started calling me Mom, not Mama or Mommy, Mom! like a teenager, I longed for the days of hearing him yell "MONKEY!" Brent though, to this day has continued to call me Monkey, so I have Wyatt to thank for my nickname, but he refuses to call me that because he thinks it is silly.